Alone
No family (rejected me and thus I them)
No children (lost both)
No parents (lost Mother to C, Father was a monster, divorced when I was 13)
No Love (since 04 januari 2000)
No touch like hugs ( I soo need these)
No BFF Best Friend anymore (broke of friendship after 20+ years sharing/caring for eachother, without any explanation, or talk about it to restore what's wrong apparently)
Addenda 06-01-2022; After about a year I finally got a talk about why. The friendship is still over, and her reason is; Discrepancies in reflections she expected from me in a to her preferred form, which due distance of her mental issues became more intense for her, and she no longer could handle the distance as well as the reflection discrepancies. So 20+ years of friendship through the drain because I did not reflect emotionally as she desired, even though I was 24/7 multiple years the one who listened and tried to help in all her very severe mental issues. That hurts.The only good thing out of this that it is clearly an issue from her and even though I made mistakes in her restricted way how I should have emotionally reacted, I now know its her stubborness not to seek for a resolution, but desiring a separation instead.
No comforting (I feel shit, as if I am a monster due life, discrimination, and yes also BFF braking away)
No happyness (I don't know anymore how to be happy)
No joy (the few sparse moments of Joy don't weigh up to the dark ones)
No sex (last time was a very bad 2nightstand in april 2001, I can't seem to find someone able to love me enough)
No care ( I am truly afraid I die alone)
No invites to visit
I am proud I succeeded to remove all my debts in total in June 2021 (originally 73.343 Euro, finally paid 142.300Euro over 25 years)
I am proud that I still try to see the best around me
I am proud I still care for my three cats (Munchy, Aagje, Pooka) and two bunnies (Brazen, Cute)
I am proud I am still standing despite my life of hardship, even after 4 years having being homeless
I am proud I still reject Alcohol, Drugs, Nicotine, Religion, which would otherwise damage me or worse
I am proud of my all my skills and knowledge
I am proud of my mapping and other D&D works, so many seem now to like
I am proud how far I got, despite all the resistance, discrimination, religious hatred, violence, Rape, Assault, Theft, Rejection, vile laughter, inacceptance, bile, threats,
I am proud I am still able to reject the Idea of suicide, despite my depression and lonyliness
Addenda 06-01-2022; I am proud I finally succeeded to get a talk with my former BFF, making the source effect less centered upon me.
I am proud I still could see the golden light in a lovely girl who said she liked me, yet she is unable to come by and talk, out of her social anxiety and bad life circumstances,...her eyes are soo wonderful, and she gets me, she feels me, all words spoken by phone are treu felt.
I soo hope we can finally meet again.
Yet Now this very moment of time....now I feel utterly alone
I fight the depression all this caused in me
I don't feel the pride, even if I still am
I only feel ugly, old, freak, monster, useless and worthless
I can't reject that feeling, while being alone
I am more and more afraid...
I don't want the regular discrimination, stupid laughter, or blatant hatred, yet can't do anything about that
I don't want to die
I don't want to live without love, care, kisses, hugs, support
I don't want to be alone anymore
I don't want to forget the warm body of someone who cares
I don't want to lose my Best Friend, yet can't do anything anymore
I don't want to be alone
I don't know why. yet I can't trust the numbers here on Deviantart anymore.
I have 404 Deviations, and at the same time 401 if all are revealed.
The Stats page defines the number of views of a specific art as one number, while the art itself gives a lower number of total views, or higher.
There is absolutely no explanation on numbers in overall, other than week, month, year and totals, yet even these contradict or are clearly flawed.
And then the ridiculousness of making numbers into letters, that way you have 3K...while it is almost never truly that number, yet you can't see that actial number, even while there is enough space to portray the actual number as it should...as a complete actual number.
So there is no clarity and only confusion, flaws, and contradictions.
Though completely different from anything else I did here (or elsewhere) here it is....hope you like it.
I take a deep step onto the half grassy half bare ground. When I take the other, behind me the door closes and the bus drives away. The sky has darkened, and the first drops already fall. I have forgotten my umbrella, so rapidly I look around to find my direction. A thin path of bare earth between the grass leads along the fields into the suburb. The rain now falls steadily. Drop after drop, coagulating into a murky stream before my feet, every new drop warping outward in a miniature spray bringing up the wet mud a few inches. Splashing on to the black patent leather of my high heeled boots, smudging the leather, dirtying the metal heel. Which each step the droplets glide off, leaving traces of mud behind on the relief of the boot, only to be washed away and replenished with new droplets every second, every step.
Each step I take my boot hits the mud, I feel how it glides underneath the thin sole, pushed outwards revealing some harder pebbles underneath. The muck pushed outwards by my weight, is pushed up a bit around the edges of the sole, seeping into the sewn ridge between the sole and the boot. The thin 7 inch steel heel penetrates the soft underground with ease and goes much deeper. Slowly each step drives the steel shaft into the ground like a pile driver. Each time I need strength to pull up my feet. To keep my balance I place more weight onto my forefeet, driving that section deeper into the mud, pushing more dirt around the boot and into its crevasses. Some sticky wet earth or clay keeps clinging to the heel, making it thicker, heavier and clumpier, while other clumps make the boot heavier. Each step forward I thrust my piles into the ground preceded by the small triangle of my forefeet, leaving a bizarre zigzag pattern of small triangles followed by tiny holes, slowly filled by the onslaught of water from the sky.
Yet I stride forward, step by step, the sucking sound of sticky earth and wet muck is almost hidden by the splashing sounds of raindrops on leaves, branches, grass, in puddles, on the ground and on my head. The water makes my long hair heavier and causes it to cling to my wet face. I am happy for my heavy waterproof make-up, as I notice my 1 inch lashes cling together like the roaring sixties, so no panda eyes this time. Water seeps along my cheeks , over my shiny red painted lips and I taste the sweetness of the water and the faint salt of my face.
The rain has no penetrated my coat unsuited for rain, and here and there I feel cold droplets of water glide down on my bare skin. From my hair, into my neck, and underneath my clothing onto my back. On the front it seeps down my face, my chin, my neck, and between the fullness of my breasts. I did not notice the droplets hanging on my nose, but they have become more bothersome now, resembling a dripping nose. Water has now penetrated my boots, as the rain washes down my short skirt onto my legs and into my thigh-high boots. I feel my panty becoming adhered to my legs, both my feet and finally even the boot itself.
Then I notice the familiar shape of the house, and in front of me the tiles of the pedestrian walkway. Each step becomes a typical click, as each heel hammers into the stone. At first still somewhat slippery, I lose more mud with each other step. and a trail of muddy blobs I leave behind on the Pavement. I turn right onto my own path to the door and grasp for my key, handing it forward, water seeps over my arm, underneath my jewellery onto my hand, along my red painted six-inch long nails, and even over the key into the lock. I twist, and turn and when I open the door slightly, a beam of warm light hits me from above, and warms my face. The sun has finally broken through the dark cloud, the last drops of rain become smaller and smaller till no more falls down.
I step in, look out happily and close the door. A warm shower awaits me now.
The boots I walked on in this real story no longer available, and worn out long ago, I do miss these ;'(
Hope through Despair
Deeds and promises broken by wishes not good.
Nightmares becoming reality,
When closed doors are destiny.
Waves of water wasted,
Anguish, sorrow tasted.
A sharkbite in water bile,
Honesty and Fidelity so vile.
Death and Despair...
Seeming to lurk everywhere.
Yet somewhere the sun must shine,
Somewhere far away above the timeless sees of Brine...
Even for me, even for you..
There is a future too...
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I Wrote this 15-December 2009, when I was still homeless and fighting for a house.
The words describe my feelings, of fighting between lies, backstabbing, losing friends, political issues, bureaucracy
As an optimist I felt that being optimistic was the only way to continue....
I succeeded --28-April 2012 I got my current home.
So I did indeed find the Sun...
Just a Poem
To find a love unbound.
On ye this fate I do intone,
That you'll never be alone.
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Based upon a poem in D&D adventure Rahasia by Larry Elmore